WHO IS TALKING TO OUR MEN? WHO CARES HOW THEY FEEL OR WHAT THEY DO????? @dejiirawo & our other guests on #ListenUpNG June Edition do!

Welcome to yet another explosive session on #ListenUpNG. Today, our special guest is;Deji Irawo @dejiirawo and he will be tweeting on a very crucial man-related #RealLifeIssue

Incredulous as it may seem, oh yes, men are abused too!With the recent spotlight on Domestic Violence, we tend to forget that emotional and verbal abuse are inclusive!

And guess what? Our brothers and sons may fall victims too if this menace isn’t curbed!???? Why? Because it is a known fact that hurting people hurt others!

#ListenUpNG @dejiirawo is the lead men resource person at the confident relationships for men resource initiative for men(CR4MEN). You can read more about him and our other guests on #ListenUpNG June Edition here????https://t.co/NFCwNZoqE8

His tweet session has been compiled for your reading ease. Do #ReadRestRelaxAndReflect on them!

1. Its an awesome privilege to share a few thoughts. @KemiOdutayo, am most grateful for the honour. I am excited at the men conversation #ListenUpNG

2. Gender based abuse has been with us for a long time. Societies across the globe are dealing with this menance in their own way #ListenUpNG

3. From my experience of engaging in the men conversation over the past couple of years, it’s obvious Africa lives in self denial… 1/2 #ListenUpNG

4…that men r in touch with their emotions,talk less of d tall order that men can be abused on all fronts. It’s a reality 2/2 #ListenUpNG

5. It’s my opinion that if we have ignorantly created an abusive world, then it’s obvious everyone in that world will be a victim #ListenUpNG

6. In my own opinion, abuse is when someone doesn’t understand the essence of another person, you will definitely treat that person wrongly #ListenUpNG

7. One of the reasons abuse is widespread in Africa is because we really don’t value human lives. We use and abuse ourselves #ListenUpNG

8. Once your perception of another person is faulty or blurred, you will inevitably treat that person from that skewed perspective #ListenUpNG

9. I took my time to lay this fundamental so we can appreciate it is a general problem; so we will appreciate that both genders can be victims #ListenUpNG

10. So everyday a male suffers abuse in the hands of his kind and from the opposite sex as we have learnt to take advantage of each other #ListenUpNG

11. The stereotype definition of abuse on this side of the world is physical. Forgetting emotional, sexual, verbal, neglect and financial aspect. #ListenUpNG

12. Harassment, stalking, damage to property, intimidation, starvation, exploitation, psychological, denial of basic rights etc are inclusive #ListenUpNG

13. This clarification is what opens up the reality of the abuse males go through in society. Being physically stronger…1/2 #ListenUpNG

14…does not necessarily make it easier to escape abuse in a relationship as many think. Abused men face a shortage of resources 2/2 #ListenUpNG

15. The Male gender faces abuse from childhood, physical, sexual, mental, psychological. The polygamous setting and child trafficking scenario aids this too #ListenUpNG

16. One major challenge of abuse in males is that we are told to ‘man up’ and we can’t cry! So we grow up with bottled anger and are condemned #ListenUpNG

We are “constantly” being told we can’t show our emotions. It’s an unwritten law that has been passed down the generations

17. Both genders suffer from a lot of dysfunction, we thus abuse others from the premise of that dysfunction. Ladies fight differently…#ListenUpNG

18. The world has learnt to ignore us because our scars are internal. Verbal abuse is just as lethal as physical abuse. The wounds to a man is absolutely devastating #ListenUpNG

19. Words are forces and they shape a life as it’s intended. When a woman consistently belittles a man and compare him to others, you inevitably…#ListenUpNG

20…strip him of the very essence of his being. It is the most debilitating thing anyone can do to cripple a man. Many men fear coming home #ListenUpNG

21. We have put up with all sorts of abuse over the years as people have robbed us of the right to be heard, taken seriously and helped #ListenUpNG

22. Emotional blackmail is another dangerous area. Many women take advantage of a man’s sense of pride and fleece him of resources #ListenUpNG

23. They fabricate stories of family neglect, physical abuse, financial depravation to family and friends just to arm twist more funds out of the man #ListenUpNG

24. There are men who aren’t offered any economic assistance/support by their spouses. They are expected to cater for everything & everyone #ListenUpNG

25. When such men lose their jobs or experience a downturn in business, some spouses withhold support from them and attack their self worth #ListenUpNG

When you withhold support from your spouse without any justifiable reason, it is an abuse

Host: True! But many wives while rendering ‘support’ had turned ‘breadwinner’ and their men seem be comfortable with this

Host: #ListenUpNG @dejiirawo I also believe some wives are afraid of starting what they can’t ‘finish’ thereby playing small and withholding help

A: This is why we expect two mature individuals to marry. There are more responsible ways to address such issues

A: It’s a classic fundamental case of did you marry a male or a man? If you married a “male” then expect such!

Host: Can you clarify the difference between a ‘man’ and a ‘male’ for the benefit of our audience?????

A: You are basically a male by birth with all the masculine features but you go through 6 different stages/process to become a man

Host: Which are?

A: Boyhood, Accountable, Responsible, Separation, Initiations, Reintegration and Kingship/sage stages

26. I get to seat in front of men day in day out and hear what they won’t say in public. I am saying it as it is.

27. Some women threaten to harm the children of their spouses, are unnecessarily possessive, threaten to expose their secrets, frame them up #ListenUpNG

Host: True! But some of these women have really been truly ‘abused’ by the men to go that far. It’s however unjustifiable! So, you will agree…its a vicious cycle of hurting people hurting others! What is the way forward?

A: Exactly!

28. There is a fundamental erroneous mindset that men are heartless, lack emotions, pretend not to have human feelings and generally wicked #ListenUpNG

Host: And that is definitely not so! Some may pretend to be like that though…to measure up with the society’s expectations of who a man should be!

A: Yes. That’s the stereotype you find in films and pop culture. Men have been complaining of this mindset for a while now

29. We fundamentally forget that it was society that brought us up not to share our feelings, not to cry but to ‘man up’ without options #ListenUpNG

30. I needed to add that… Yes! Men are physically abused as well and there are many cases of slaps, bites, scratching, punches etc with or without weapons inflicted on them #ListenUpNG

31. I have counselled a guy who was being slapped by his girlfriend and I have heard countless cases of men who have been threatened with weapons #ListenUpNG

There are lots of cases of men being physically abused. We recently woke up to the case in Ibadan, a city in Nigeria, where the man was stabbed to death

32. Some men stay in abusive relationships because of fear for their children, the stigma of opening up, cultural beliefs etc #ListenUpNG

33. Some live in self denial…With disempowering religious beliefs. Some have limited resources, some don’t get support from other men #ListenUpNG

Host: #ListenUpNG @dejiirawo And with all these…We still expect them to man up and measure up!????

A: @KemiOdutayo It’s fundamentally hypocritical to expect so much from males who were never trained for manhood. It’s an injustice!

34. There is no established informal/formal training for boys to grow into men. Most boys are left to learn about life all by themselves #ListenUpNG

Host: I would have thought the home with a father and mother is the best place for this kind of training but alas…1/2

Host: …but most of these ‘adults'(parents) are ‘wounded'(grew up in a dysfunctional family set up and need help themselves…2/2 ????

A: It’s inevitable as we still miss the fundamental values only a father can give a child, identity, affirmation and validation

35. I stand to be corrected but show me the boy that was told by his father, “I need to train you so you won’t embarrass me when you marry #ListenUpNG

Host: Hmm. That’s deliberate parenting! #IntentionalParenting

A: Exactly, parenting must be intentional and consistent with a desired end of raising strong, matured and responsible adults

36. Boys have their emotional development truncated as they are told not to cry, robbing them of the critical skill of emotional intelligence #ListenUpNG

37. One major reason men struggle in their relationships is because they lack emotional intelligence. It’s a vital tool of life #ListenUpNG

38. So we raise angry boys who are left to figure things out with rage and anger brewing within them and defining manhood via films and what they watch on TV etc #ListenUpNG

39. The world is demanding what it didn’t invest in us and it’s sad…we can only give what we have. We must redefine manhood to our sons #ListenUpNG

40. We must be free to rediscover and redefine ourselves. No single man can live up to the crazy standards of manhood we hear in society #ListenUpNG

41. Our 1st step to healing must be the acceptance by society that all men are human and allow us to seek help where required. No shaming us! #ListenUpNG

42. Let our emotions flow,let’s allow boys to cry and build capacity. Let’s learn what it means to live life. Being vulnerable is part of life #ListenUpNG

Host: @dejiirawo It will take COUSCIOUS EFFORT to unlearn all disempowering beliefs that have been passed down from generation to generation #ListenUpNG

43. Let’s create avenues for men to seek help. Lets have anonymous groups and counseling centres with the aim of repairing broken men #ListenUpNG

44. Catching them young as we intentionally raise strong, confident & matured boys who have the capacity to lead homes in the future #ListenUpNG

Host: What a worthy vision! I am sure our society will be the better for it! Let’s catch them young!????

45. A lot of women don’t really know much about men and vice versa. How can you say food and sex are a man’s basic need? #ListenUpNG

Host: Hmmm. If not these, what are?

46. Man’s basic needs are: A. Respect B. Self acceptance and honour C. Friendship

47. As a man, don’t stay in a physically and verbally abusive relationship. Report to your family and the police! Get counseling ASAP and give time (and space for issues to be resolved) #ListenUpNG

Host: Hmm! Is it wise to involve a 3rd party?

A: In the case of abuse you can’t be too careful, especially in cases of physical and verbal abuse

48. And that both genders will be humble enough to embark on a journey to unlearn and relearn a lot of the errors we have been fed with #ListenUpNG

49. I see a world with better relationships. No gender is inferior to the other. I just pray that we are sincere enough to try our best #ListenUpNG

50. Guys, you will always matter to some of us. No matter your past, lift your head up and be the man you were born to be.I hail you all. Thank you #ListenUpNG

Host: #ListenUpNG @dejiirawo “Maybe 5% of men out of 100????While Women that are abused by men might be like  60/70 %” ~ Comment fro a lady. Yr take?

A: Data in Nigeria isn’t available but for example in d US more than 830,000 r domestically abused yearly https://t.co/XABBTnCaTP

Host: #ListenUpNG @dejiirawo “I really want to know how men are abused???? and the percentage I believe is nothing compared to the women!” ~ comment from same lady

A: Yes women suffer more physical abuse but men suffer more verbal abuse &both r very just as dangerous

Host: #ListenUpNG Wow! What an insightful session! Thank you so much @dejiirawo for these powerful tweets. Indeed…men are abused too!

These tweets are worth reading over and over! #IncaseYouMissedIt the link will be posted soonest #ListenUpNG

#IncaseYouMissedIt To read any session in the June Edition of #ListenUpNG visit, you can read them on this same blog!

It is obvious that our MEN NEED MENTORS! Next week on #ListenUpNG join me as I host yet another guest @OAAdebayo ???????? https://t.co/EuU8tvTS9Z

Read about this man of character and hard on experience. As a father of four; three teenagers and a preteen, ‘Day Adebayo will be taking on this profound topic: MEN AND MENTORS!


Make it a date!

About Kemi Odutayo

‘Kemi Odutayo, a graduate of University of Lagos, Nigeria is a Practitioner of NLP, a blogger, an author, a counselor and a media consultant. She is the Head of Operations, Me4 Communications, a publishing, marketing and communications outfit specializing in publishing books/eBooks, managing and offering training for social media accounts for individuals and organizations. Kemi and her husband of many years, Kayode Odutayo have a beautiful family blessed with three lovely children.