2017 #ListenUpNG Wk12: ULTIMATUM


Hello everyone! Welcome to another inspiring and thought provoking session on #ListenUpNG

The #RealLifeIssue we will be discussing today is GIVING OF ULTIMATUM in relationships while trying to communicate our opinion #ListenUpNG

1. #ListenUpNG According to Wikipedia, An ultimatum (Latin: the last one) is a demand whose fulfillment is requested in a specified period of time and which is backed up by a threat to be followed through in case of noncompliance. An ultimatum is generally the final demand in a series of requests. #ListenUpNG

ListenUpNG The Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary defines ULTIMATUM as: a final threat; a promise that force or punishment will be used if someone does not do what is wanted.

2. I am sure at one point or the other, you have had to put down your foot and give an ULTIMATUM to your spouse, kids, friends, siblings, colleagues, staff even companies and establishments. #ListenUpNG

3. In most relationships, it’s not far fetch to hear a party give an ultimatum to the other #ListenUpNG

4. It may be to a philandering spouse, a spouse in an emotional affair, a child addicted to drugs, a sibling hooked on smoking or porn…#ListenUpNG

5…an alcoholic or workaholic friend or an employee that is comes habitually late to the office. #ListenUpNG

6. “If you don’t stop ABC, this marriage is over.” This is an example of an ULTIMATUM from a spouse #ListenUpNG

7. In our bid to stop your spouse from his or her self sabotaging habits, you may have resorted to this mode of communication #ListenUpNG

8. Issuing an ULTIMATUM good or effective in communication? Does it achieve it’s purpose? What is its purpose? Tough love? #ListenUpNG

9. This is a very broad topic and in this session, I will limit the scope of our discussion to the married couples #ListenUpNG

10. How do you get your spouse to stop behavior that’s destroying your marriage? How? #ListenUpNG

11. How do you get your kids, sibling, colleages, friends, relatives etc to stop? #ListenUpNG

12. ListenUpNG Does ultimatum work?

13. If you Consider that different persons have different & diverse temperaments, we can safely concede that no cap fits all in relationships #ListenUpNG

14. Giving of Ultimatum can backfire. Most times, it’s counter production. It can make you lose your peace and your sleep #ListenUpNG

15. No matter how strongly you feel about an issue, my advice is to tread softly before giving that #ultimatum #ListenUpNG @DeleAgbogun

16. You will need a large dose of emotional intelligence 2actually know if, when and with whom D use of ULTIMATUM will b a plus #ListenUpNG

17. However, in a marriages, giving of ultimatum rarely works except the other party decide on his or her own accord to change #ListenUpNG

18. Whether or not your ultimatum is effective is not just a function of whether he or she does what is requested! #ListenUpNG @IphieAdizue

19a. But also, whether the party in question is only pretending 2stop or stopping for your sake without seeing the need to stop #ListenUpNG

19b. Or whether the party, be it your spouse, kid, friend/sibling is living in bitterness and resentment towards u! #Ultimatum #ListenUpNG

20. Hmmm. So how do we achieve our purpose without resorting to giving #Ultimatum ? How do we foster healthy relationships? #ListenUpNG

21. Check this out. I found this online : “An ultimatum is usually issued by a stronger power to a weaker one…#ListenUpNG

22..since it wouldn’t carry much weight if the one giving the ultimatum couldn’t back up its threat.” #ListenUpNG

23. It can be empowering to think, and even say to your spouse, “Your behavior is unacceptable. And if it doesn’t stop, I’m leaving you.” #ListenUpNG

24. Or to say to your child, “If you don’t do your chores, I’m cutting down on your TV time or I will seize your electronic gadgets #ListenUpNG

25. This can make you feel in charge; in control. An ultimatum offers D ultimate role reversal. It puts the victim, in control. #ListenUpNG

26. Understandably, this is quite appealing. It feels good. Being in control can be aphrodisiac. #ListenUpNG

27. But, we can all agree that just because something FEELS good doesnt mean its good? That it’s the NORMS doesn’t make it ryt #ListenUpNG

28. The ‘feel good’ feeling however, usually last for just a while. What we should be more concerned with is the far reaching effects of Ultimatum #ListenUpNG

29. Will an ultimatum give you the result you want? #ListenUpNG

30. The desired result is not just 2get the job done but to also be able to foster healthy relationships after the job is done! #ListenUpNG

31. Oftentimes, we talk about TOUGH LOVE. We talk about setting boundaries and establishing CLEAR RULES in relationships #ListenUpNG

32. However, without the buy in of the parties involved, those rules will eventually be broken and discarded. Why? #ListenUpNG

33. The parties involved won’t be able to keep up in their own steam! You’ve got to have their buy in. There’ve got to be an INNER MOTIVATION to drive them #ListenUpNG

34. In other words, the rules will be clear, but why would anyone want to adhere to them? What would be their motivation? What’s in it for them? #ListenUpNG

35. What is that picture of a preferable future they can’t bear to lose. Sell that picture to him or her. #ListenUpNG

36. They’ve got to see themselves in that picture (future) and make their decision. The choice is theirs. You can only do so much! #ListenUpNG

37. We have got to learn how to bye pass their conscious resistance and scale over the walls of indifference they’ve built around themselves over the years #ListenUpNG

38. Bye passing conscious resistance is a learnt act. So also is being emotionally Intelligent. #ListenUpNG

39. Being skilled in these areas is a plus in communication #ListenUpNG

40. The problem with anyone involve in self-sabotaging habits mentioned earlier is LACK OF MOTIVATION. It is NOT a lack of rules! #ListenUpNG

41. They know(deep down) that their behavior is wrong. #ListenUpNG

42. Even if they won’t admit it, even if they justify it, they know that their behavior is immoral…#ListenUpNG

43. Unknowingly to you, these vices are eating them up and weighing heavily on their souls. Unless the person is without a conscience! #ListenUpNG

44. The problem is that they have gotten to a point of INDIFFERENCE. They no longer care. They don’t give a ‘damn’! #ListenUpNG

45. They lack an internal MOTIVATION to do the right thing. In such situation, giving an #ULTIMATUM is way off the mark #ListenUpNG

46. He or she has got to DESIRE to stop. Ultimatum works from the outside while Motivation comes from within.

47. PURSUIT is the evidence of DESIRE. We can help by working on their WILL. Having major traumatic experience can also do this!#ListenUpNG

48. And if they are believers, the better. “…for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.
Philippians 2:13 NKJV” #ListenUpNG


50. It’s like cutting and trimming the branches while the rotten root is left in the soil. Our target is their inner motivation. #ListenUpNG

51. The question now is, how do we hit our target; how do we impact someone’s inner motivation? Without Issuing #Ultimatum? #ListenUpNG

52. #ListenUpNG The secret is to CONNECT with them. Not issuing ULTIMATUM!

53. #ListenUpNG This discussion is inexhaustible! We will continue next week

54. #ListenUpNG The aim is to give us a mindset makeover and inspire us to think of better and more effective way of communicating

55. Next week, we will discuss the #RealLifeIssue of how to forge a strong and impactful CONNECTION in our relationships

56. #ListenUpNG Till I come your way next week, let’s commit to foster healthy relationships by being deliberate in our mode of communication

About Kemi Odutayo

‘Kemi Odutayo, a graduate of University of Lagos, Nigeria is a Practitioner of NLP, a blogger, an author, a counselor and a media consultant. She is the Head of Operations, Me4 Communications, a publishing, marketing and communications outfit specializing in publishing books/eBooks, managing and offering training for social media accounts for individuals and organizations. Kemi and her husband of many years, Kayode Odutayo have a beautiful family blessed with three lovely children.