Hello everyone! It’s Friday! Welcome to another inspiring session on #ListenUpNG. It’s been an awesome week and I hope it has been great for you too?

On #ListenUpNG, we discuss #RealLifeIssues in relationships, their impact and what steps to take to ensure we have healthy relationships

Shout out to our fans who take time out to join in every Friday by 4pm! Thanks for your retweets and tweets. A big thank you also goes to all our guests on #ListenUpNG

#ListenUpNG is one of the Me4 Initiatives and is aimed at motivating, empowering, educating, encouraging and entertaining(Me4) you in the area of relationships

You can visit my blog on www.kemiodut ayo.com and get to read all past inspiring sessions on #ListenUpNG since inception in 2015

Awesome #RealLifeIssues that we can easily relate with have been uploaded for your reading pleasure #ReadRestRelaxAndReflect on all #ListenUpNG sessions

#IncaseYouMissed the last week session on #ListenUpNG: HAVING A GOOD FIGHT, do click on the link below to read the compiled tweets.

Welcome! #ListenUpNG Do you know that, a completed Tower of Babel would have been a reality today but for the issue of ‘CONFUSED TONGUES’ amongst the ‘visioneers’.????

Remember? The Tower of Babel in Bible times? And the Lord said, “Indeed the people are one and they all have one language, and this is what they begin to do;

now nothing that they propose to do will be withheld from them. Come, let Us go down and there confuse their language, that they may not understand one another’s speech.”

So the Lord scattered them abroad from there over the face of all the earth, and they ceased building the city.
Genesis 11:6‭-‬8 NKJV

#ListenUpNG When communication goes awry, the aftermath on relationships is catastrophic! The vision is abandoned and what is left is di-vision!

Effective communication is a must if your desire is to have healthy relationships! And today on #ListenUpNG i will be hosting Dabira Ipoola

#ListenUpNG Dabira Ipoola is a Communication Consultant, Basic Sexuality Educator and a certified Family Life Therapist. She will be tweaching on ‘CONFUSED TONGUES’.

#ListenUpNG Dabira Ipoola is a Communication Consultant, Basic Sexuality Educator and a certified Family Life Therapist. She works with individuals and organizations who desire a transition to a higher place in life.

#ListenUpNG Dabira uses communication skills, performance consulting, neuro-linguistics programing, neurological re-patterning, family engineering systems,

…results technologies and hypnosis as tools to move individuals, organizations and family from where they are to where they want to be. #ListenUpNG

#ListenUpNG She is also a certified Performance Consultant, Results Coach, Master Ericksonian Hypnotist, and Master practitioner of Neurolinguistics programming.

Join me as I welcome this awesome communicator and therapist on board today’s session on #ListenUpNG Over to you, sis!

Good afternoon distinguished personalities, it’s an honour to be here today, I do not take this for granted. I give thanks to God Almighty the giver of life for this opportunity and special thanks to my host @kemiodutayo, @ListenUpNg


The importance of effective communication in relationships cannot be over emphasized.

#GoodCommunication strengthens relationships, however some people still have troubles in this area. Usually difficulties in communication develops from common, basic problems unaddressed.

Common problems such as assumptions, not speaking with clarity, confidence, and correct/complete information and not focusing on addressing the problem rather than the personality of the person involved.

The best way get anyone to understand you is to communicate clearly with compete and accurate information.

Communicating with clarity is for you not to assume that the listener knows what your words mean.

For example, telling your partner that you want him to be ‘MORE LOVING’ might not change anything unless your partner knows what exactly it means for someone to be ‘MORE LOVING’ to you.

You should define ‘MORE LOVING’ to your partner because your idea of loving can be different from his/hers.

When you say you want someone to be ‘MORE LOVING’, what is it that you’re really asking for?

Is it romantic text messages, more intimate sex for the married, kisses, deeper and more frequent conversation, a hug at the beginning and end of the day, all of the above, or something else entirely?

Whatever you want more of, whether it’s fondness, tenderness, support, loyalty, respect, understanding, or love, give the person specific examples so that there is no misinterpretation of what you have in mind.

Communication is a two way stream i.e. the sender (you) and the receiver (your partner).

Effective communication is about conveying your messages to people clearly. It involves the effort from both the sender and the receiver.

Communication is successful only when both the sender and the receiver reach a common understanding regarding the same information as a result of the communication process.

Whenever you are communicating, you must have the intention to understand and be understood by whoever is involved in the communication process.

Listening is an important skill in effective communication. Lack of effective listening skills plays a major role in miscommunication.

-How consciously do you listen to people when they are speaking to you? Do you listen to respond or you listen to understand?

During conversations, you should make eye contact, and listen. Give a head nod, an ‘mmmm’ sound to let your partner know you care about what he/she has to say even if you don’t agree with all or any part of the conversation, just listen to understand his/her point of view.

-How conscious are you when speaking to your people/your partner? Do you think they understand you?

When speaking to your partner, be sure the person understands your message, you can ask questions to be sure. If you discover the person doesn’t understand you, begin he communication process again and explain in details in clear and simple terms.

People communicate differently with individual styles and patterns, if you study your communication process and that of your spouse, you will know how your partner communicates, and this will help you to communicate more effectively as you find a balance between the communication process of your spouse and yours.

There is a professional communication test tool kit that can help you discover your communication pattern.

Some people can easily get emotional when their expectations result from miscommunication.

Some couples often approach and communicate an issue with the expectation that their partner will understand and respond similarly, but sometimes, this doesn’t always happen because people have different ways of communicating.

Society and Culture also plays a role in creating these differences.

Some men are discouraged from showing outward displays of expression like sharing their feelings or crying.

Some women are encouraged to express emotions and feelings as a form of release.

Some people (men/women) compensate for their lack of outward expressions by their actions, however some of this actions can easily be misinterpreted.

If you have a partner that wants you to always express your love and affections verbally, but you are expressing it with gifts, the partner will not appreciate it.

InFact, sometimes if this is done repeatedly it can begin to lead to conflicts…

While one partner believes he/she is doing the best to make the partner happy, the partner believes he/she is not doing enough or doing anything at all.

To communicate effectively in your relationships, try to speak in a positive and concise way.

This will help you have a clear communication process.

Being positive in your tonality, body language, perspectives and approach will help your partner to desire to communicate more when he/she perceives you as being light-hearted or friendly.

Do not start a conversation as if you want to fight your enemy.

Start your conversation with a purpose from a peak of things that interests your spouse, this should be done after you have been able to pinpoint his or her preferred time and most applicable formats (Is it a face to face conversation or a phone call/messages).

For some conversation to be effective you might have to create a space that is safe; a place that each of you feels safe to openly express how you feel without being criticized, laughed at, dismissed, or disturbed by the children.

The use of “I” also helps give your communication process a purpose, it helps you to own your thoughts and feelings as your point of reference without sounding judgmental or attacking your spouse.

E.g. Instead of saying “I hate your job”, you should say “I am frustrated with your work hours because I miss spending time with you.”

During important discussions, pick the key points to share with your spouse and make room for him/her to contribute to the conversation.

When you infuse positivity and purpose into your communication process, it will help you increase healthy conversation, productive conflict resolution, and overall understanding in your relationships.

Effective communication is multifaceted, it requires several components such as trust, which is essential for any relationship to thrive.

How well are you communicating this? Every communication is three sided; the content (words we use), the tonality and the body language.

We deliberately plan about the first with our conscious minds and leave the tonality & body language to chance and our subconscious minds.

The result leads to miscommunication.

Do we say we trust while our body languages says we do not? Or you are not aware your body language is also communicating?, then you should be aware henceforth.

You should be aware of your intended message and how the message is being received –

Say what you mean, and mean what you say, your spouse is not a decoder!

Do not leave any part of your communication as a coded language if your partner doesn’t understand your code.

If you are emotional about any situation, you should simply and honestly inform your partner, without transferring misplaced aggression on him/her.

If you say “don’t worry about it, nothing is wrong” with a moody face, hand beneath your jaw as you sigh deeply at intervals, you are not telling the truth and also sending mixed messages.

You should also speak only for yourself; what you think, how you feel. Do not mind-read about what your partner is thinking or feeling.

You should ask questions to understand to gain clarity, assumptions are the lowest level of communication .

Effective communication takes time with deliberate practice

In summary, for effective communication in relationships, choose the right time, the right tone and the right words.

1. Pick a time that is distraction-free. For example, don’t choose a time when he is watching the football game or when she is watching telemundo/zeeworld. He/she may be distracted and annoyed, leaving you feeling hurt and ignored.

2. The tone of voice you use when communicating is very important. It reveals your ability to effectively express your needs. Speaking in a positive and even tone improves the likelihood of your partner being open to hearing you express your needs.

3. The words you choose are just as important. Your words should be simple and specific as possible. Don’t assume he/she should “know” what you need.

4) Be direct. Tell your partner what you need.

5) Use “I” statements (“I feel angry because…”!)

6) Keep other people out of the conversation, this hurts more. (Don’t say things like: “Even your mother says you are difficult”)

7) Stick to the issue at hand and never go back to resolved issues (Don’t say: “This is the same thing you did/said last year and the first year after we got married”).

8) There should be no generalizations in your conversation (Don’t say: “I am not surprised people from your town behave like this”)

Regardless of how good your communication process has been in the past, there will always be times you will need to remind yourself of some of the information shared above.

This brings us to the end, I will now take your questions.

About Kemi Odutayo

‘Kemi Odutayo, a graduate of University of Lagos, Nigeria is a Practitioner of NLP, a blogger, an author, a counselor and a media consultant. She is the Head of Operations, Me4 Communications, a publishing, marketing and communications outfit specializing in publishing books/eBooks, managing and offering training for social media accounts for individuals and organizations. Kemi and her husband of many years, Kayode Odutayo have a beautiful family blessed with three lovely children.