2017 #ListenUpNG Wk10: HAVING A GOOD FIGHT


1. #ListenUpNG Often times we think the presence of conflicts in relationship is a sure indicator that the relationship is a failure

2. #ListenUpNG This is far from reality. Rather, the wise resolution of such conflicts tend to bring the parties involved closer

3. #ListenUpNG For instance, in a marriage relationship, research has shown that one major cause of divorce is the habit of AVOIDING CONFLICTS

4. #ListenUpNG Walking on egg shell in a relationship is an obvious red flag…an indication that one or both parties is/are not being real

5. #ListenUpNG Conflicts more than likely, will afford the parties the opportunity to do away with all sort of pretence and tell it as it is!

6. And while at it…In the bid to call a spade a spade…In the bid to give him or her a piece of your mind, you find yourself in a BIG fight! #ListenUpNG

7. For this reason, conflict resolution is a key skill that we need to acquire if we desire healthy and happy relationships #ListenUpNG

8. #ListenUpNG In today’s session on #ListenUpNG, I will be discussing HOW TO HAVE A GOOD FIGHT!

9. My tweach will be on how to fight fair in relationships with the sole aim of coming out better and not battered. #ListenUpNG

10. It is alarming when relationships get to a phase where parties involved give monosyllabic responses… #ListenUpNG

11. Words like, “Yes”, “No”, “Fine”, “Great”, “Okay”, “Right” etc are common in their attempt at a ‘conversation’ (You can add more examples that comes to mind) #ListenUpNG

12. #ListenUpNG Some married couples are guilty of this. In the bid to avoid a fight or being quoted out of context, they refuse to engage in meaningful conversation

13. Ironically, there’s nothing MORE damaging to our marriages/relationships than NOT HAVING A GOOD FIGHT. #ListenUpNG

14. #ListenUpNG Apathy is a dangerous emotion. Not giving a hoot about what the other party does or have to say is more destructive to relationships

15. Same applies when we bottle up offences. Repressed emotions are deadly. You may just be a time bomb waiting to explode #ListenUpNG

16. #ListenUpNG Hate is not the opposite of love; apathy is! Hate is akin to love. Its a passionate emotion that can only be elicited by someone you CARE about.

17. #ListenUpNG Did you ever feel hate for the teller at the bank? Or the cashier at the mall? You never hated them because you don’t care about them. Not like that.

18. But the closer you are to someone the more likely it is that you will step on each other’s toes…be it at home, at work or at places of worship etc #ListenUpNG

19. #ListenUpNG Conflict is actually a sign of hope. It means you care. It means you’re close. Apathy, on the other hand, is cause for great concern.

20. Please note, I’m not out to present FIGHTING AS A GOOD THING in relationships! But the facct is, YOU CAN HAVE A GOOD FIGHT! Lol! #ListenUpNG

20b. In other words, I’m saying that it is not UNCOMMON to fight in healthy relationships #ListenUpNG

21. #ListenUpNG As couples, the fact that you fight is a sign that deep down you really love each other; that your relationship has potential.

22. What is of more importance is how well you have trained yourselves to settle your diffrences. Do you know how to have a good fight? #ListenUpNG

23. #ListenUpNG If you want to be happily married or have a serious and meaningful relationship, you have to learn to fight WELL and fight FAIR!

24. #ListenUpNG Most successful couples had learnt and are still learning the act of conflict resolution. This doesn’t come naturally to anyone; it’s a learned skill.

25. And once learnt, all the passion and energy often exerted in those fights can be gainfully channelled to building an healthy relationship #ListenUpNG

26. #ListenUpNG You will discover that happy couples have areas of disagreement too. They have what can be termed “Irreconcilable differences” as well!

27. However, they have learnt to be accommodating of each others weaknesses and quirkiness. Lol! #ListenUpNG

28. #ListenUpNG No two people are perfectly compatible. You’ve got to look beyond the ‘minors’ and concentrate on the ‘majors’

29. #ListenUpNG A mentor of mine always say, “The key to succeeding in marriage is not finding the right person; it’s learning to fight well with the person you found.”

30. #ListenUpNG #DearBaeNG #DearBooNG You’ll have “irreconcilable differences” with anyone you pick. The question is whether or not you can learn to accept them

31. However, if you aren’t yet married, how well you fight in your relationship, should be one of the major determinants in making that life long decision! #ListenUpNG

32. #ListenUpNG With specific reference to marriage relationships, most couples go into the union wearing rose coloured glasses. Great! Beautiful!

33. However, we need to realise that though most couples made the decision to spend the rest of their lives based mainly on ‘FED’… #ListenUpNG

34…feelings, emotions and their desires for their partners, THE REST OF THEIR LIVES TOGETHER WILL BE BASED ON THEIR ACTIONS & not on #FED #ListenUpNG

35. And to HAVE A GOOD FIGHT, they will need to be deliberate with their utterances and actions during conflicts in their home #ListenUpNG

36. Difficult, you say? Oh yes, it is! But, it is very doable. It’s called exercising SELF CONTROL and a large dose of EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE #ListenUpNG

37. #ListenUpNG I read an article where at a wedding ceremony the officiating minister uttered a profund statement to the couple. See it in tweet 38

38. #ListenUpNG “Take a good look at your hands,” the pastor requested of them. “Because it’s what you DO in the years ahead that will determine what you SEE in each other’s eyes.”

39. Amazing, isn’t it? In other words, what you see is NOT what you get. What you DO is what you will see. You can make your marriage heaven on earth if you so desire! #ListenUpNG
40. And so, to have a healthy relationship, we’ve got to learn how to have a good fight! #ListenUpNG

41. #ListenUpNG Name callings and attacking each others persons and not the issue at hand should be a big NO-NO! Words are powerful! They are seeds!

42. #ListenUpNG Fighting fair, fighting well or having a good fight should exclude exposing each others weaknesses or using info shared in times of intimacy as lethal weapons

43. #ListenUpNG It’s a thing of joy to look into another person’s eyes and see love, affection, compassion, empathy, devotion etc

44. But these emotions in 43 don’t just well up in you! They are resultant effects of what you have done and invested in the relationship #ListenUpNG

45. #ListenUpNG We all want to gaze into our spouses’ eyes and feel the depth of their love. But in the long term, those looks are not because we met Mr. or Mrs. Right;

46… those looks are because we did RIGHT and because we earned the right over time to see that love in each other’s eyes. #ListenUpNG

47. #ListenUpNG Learning to have a good fight is not a day’s job neither is it an easy task. You will probably require the help of a relationship coach, therapist or councellor

48. But with determination and a deep seated desire to have a healthy relationship, it is very possible and a rewarding venture. #ListenUpNG

49. Thank you for joining me on this session on #ListenUpNG Make it a date next friday by 4pm while we discuss yet another #RealLifeIssue in relationships

50. #ListenUpNG I am Kemi Odutayo and I am passionate about YOU & YOUR RELATIONSHIPS. Fostering healthy relationships is my forte. See you! Keep retweeting!

About Kemi Odutayo

‘Kemi Odutayo, a graduate of University of Lagos, Nigeria is a Practitioner of NLP, a blogger, an author, a counselor and a media consultant. She is the Head of Operations, Me4 Communications, a publishing, marketing and communications outfit specializing in publishing books/eBooks, managing and offering training for social media accounts for individuals and organizations. Kemi and her husband of many years, Kayode Odutayo have a beautiful family blessed with three lovely children.