Hi friends! I remembered I did a tweetcast on this same topic sometimes ago. Lol! As we have all come to realise, knowledge is progressive. We act based on the knowledge we have at our disposal per time. I hope these words will cause a mind shift in you as they did in me. Do read on!
1/Good evening everyone! I count it a privilege to be invited on this platform – The MindShift Whatsapp Group – by @NikeAdedokun
2/I will be tweeting on COPING WITH IN-LAWS. In our climes, AFRICA in particular, this is often a BIG ISSUE!
3/The term IN-LAWS is usually used to describe or refer to people, male or female related to you by marriage.
4/As a result of the relationship being based on MARRIAGE and not on GENES, tension and strife are often rampart
5/To cope with in-laws, we have to be conversant of the following facts and apply them to our relationships
6/We have to acknowledge that in-laws are first and foremost people in their own right; with valid emotions.
7/We have to acknowledge that in-laws meant well for their relative who is your spouse. The way they go about it may be wrong
8/That they are acting according to the best of the knowledge they have per time. If they know better, they will act better
9/That they are often protective of their ‘own’ because they aren’t sure of you yet. You came ‘out of the blue’ lol!
10/That they grew up and are programmed by some peculiar beliefs and culture unique to them. Pass down from generation to generation
11/That their actions and reactions towards you are often not personal but based on their unique past experiences
12/In summary, they THINK they are protecting their ‘own’ from ‘harm’! And if we can all reverse the role, we will understand better
ic example. This is because the mother ~ son bond is very strong
16/Except in a dysfunctional family, the mother ~ son relationship is key. It has to be acknowledged and respected
17/The wife ~ sisters-in-law relationship can also be fraught with tension as some believe the wife is not good enough for their brother
18/Though some fathers/brothers-in-law can also be high handed and want their decisions to hold sway in your home
19/Your home is your home especially if you are both consenting adults. This has to be communicated both in words and actions
20/It will help considerably if both spouses agree on some family rules and culture for the new home. Even before marriage
21/This is one of the crucial topics that couples NEED to discuss and agree on before walking down the aisle. Unfortunately, most don’t!
22/This serves as a guidance and not cast in stones. However, for it to change there needs to be a renegotiation
23/The following are time tested actionable plans that will help you cope if not ensure the love and admiration of your in-laws
24/It might look difficult but very doable. It will yield great result. You have to be determined to want to COPE WITH YOUR IN LAWS.
25/The key is to play fair. I have an acronym to enumerate the six-point plan – BE FAIR. Be fair in your assessment and actions
26/B – BE REAL! Don’t fake it! For in due time your true nature will show and you will be perceived as a fraud. Develop genuine love for them
27/In being real, don’t be rude! Work on yourself especially when you are still a SINGLE! It will serve you when you are married!
28/Mind your language. Yes, they are your new FAMILY but unlike your blood family you don’t have antecedent
29/Your words can easily be misunderstood. Be slow to speak and fast to learn. Study people. Study their uniqueness
30/E – Expect the best. Don’t go in ready for battle. Don’t go in with all your guards up expecting the worse!
31/You will be shocked you will see what you expect. Get rid of old cobwebs in your thinking. Dare to expect the best!
32/I mean old thoughts like, all mothers in law are witches. That they are overbearing. That sisters in law are saucy
33/Don’t go in with hang ups about in-laws. Don’t be defensive and looking for hidden meaning in every look and sentence.
34/Nothing has any meaning except the meaning you ascribed to it! The unique meaning you choose then affect your internal state
34b/It will also affect your subsequent behaviours and outcomes. So choose to attach +ve meaning to people’s actions
35/Faith makes all things possible. Hope makes all things work. Love makes all things easy. Always look out for the good in everyone
36/F – Find something to appreciate in them. Even when you think there is none, deliberately look for and verbalise it
37/When It Rains, Look For Rainbows. When It’s Dark, Look For Stars. It’s amazing want you will find if you put your mind to it.
38/Look for that good thing and praise him or her for it consistently. Even if others are criticizing him or her,
39/Look for something nice and say it convincingly. Refuse to focus on the negative
40/Some families have certain expectations or should I say trepidations. Do your due diligence.
41/Find out what these are and exceed their expectations. Your hubby or wife will love you more for your efforts
42/A – Accept them. Acknowledge their peculiarities and uniqueness. Don’t always compare them to your blood family.
43/Yours isn’t necessarily better or superior, just different with their unique past experiences and perspectives to life
44/If you have been born into same family and raised by same parents, the probability is, you will turn out like your spouse, his siblings and relatives
45/I – Be interested. Sow into your new family. Invest time and money. Be wise. Show that you care.
46/If indeed you want to cope with your in-laws, you need to do away with ‘i married him and him alone, the rest be dammed’
47/Such sentiments won’t do you any good. The number of sons and daughters disowned by their families…
48/…can’t be compared to the number of divorces that has occurred as a result of in-laws fiasco. Blood they say is thicker than water
49/R – Be responsive and hospitable. Some might want to take you for granted, choose your battle.
50/Have the ear of your hubby. Play your part as a dutiful wife and he will speak up for you when needed.
51/Surprise them by showing them you are not the typical wife or husband. Exceed their expectations. Yes, you can!
52/Remember, its not just a one-off decision. Do it consistently and over time, your good will be obvious to all
53/Above all, your spouse will love you for it and within you, you will be glad that you did all you could.
54/Coping with your in laws starts from the mind. Have a mindshift! Be in control of your emotions. Have a blissful home!
55/Thank you once again @Nike. Genuine love is the key. Wishing us all a great time coping with our in laws.