Hello peeps! Welcome to another inspiring session on #ListenUpNG where we discuss #RealLifeIssues in #Relationships and how to handle them!
#ListenUpNGis a weekly mentoring event on twitter that went live in 2015. I gave had the privilege of hosting awesome men and women of character with experience and expertise in their diverse areas of influence
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#ListenUpNG The #RealLifeIssue under discussion today is what happens, “WHEN YOUR PARENTS DON’T APPROVE OF HIM OR HER” ?
Based on today’s topic, the question on the front burner is, ‘ IS PARENTAL CONSENT/BLESSINGS REALLY IMPORTANT?’ ‘DO YOU NEED IT BEFORE GOING AHEAD WITH GETTING MARRIED TO YOUR FIANCE OR FIANCÉ?’
#ListenUpNG This is one of the burning questions I’ve come acrossed in the course of counselling young men and women. Men and women that were really heartbroken at their parents’ refusal to give their consent for them to marry their heartthrob
#ListenUpNG In most African countries and even in some European countries, seeking the parents’ consent before going ahead with the marriage ceremony is an age long tradition. Some religious bodies even make it mandatory before approving the union
#ListenUpNG In some cases, this tradition has resulted in a fallout between the parents & their children especially when they refuse to give their consent or refuse to give the intending couple their blessings. The young man or woman often become disllussioned, sad and embittered
#ListenUpNG There are diverse reasons why some parents withhold their blessings or refuse to consent to their son’s or daughter’s choice of life partner. These reasons may be very valid while some may be downright unreasonable, absurd and condescending
#ListenUpNG Some of these reasons may be the fiance or fiancee is from a different class, tribe, background(Education/Family), culture from them. It may even be because of premonition fuelled by past negative experiences, their biases, mindsets and their maps of the world
#ListenUpNG Sometimes, it may even be because they want to live a dream through their children; a dream which they never lived. This may be an unconscious act that they are unknowingly trying to propagate and project through their children.
#ListenUpNG Whatever the reason(s), more often than not, the parents have the best interest of their son or daughter at heart. They are often motivated by their love for their children. The way and manner they choose to communicate this may leave a lot to be desired.
#ListenUpNG However, there have also been instances where the intended couples have defied their parents. They discounted their advice, consent and blessings and went ahead with the wedding.
#ListenUpNG In case you are in such a situation presently or you know someone who is, there are some questions you need to ask yourself. Your ability to answer these questions sincerely and maturedly will give you more clarity on how to proceed.
#ListenUpNG Not only should you ask yourself some probing questions, you also need to do a lot of thinking and correctly assess your situation. In this instance, having a coach or a counsellor to talk and walk you through this is of utmost importance
#ListenUpNG The @me4counselling team of which I @KemiOdutayo is the Lead Counsellor will be more than willing to coach/counsel you. We will not only talk you through but we are also willing to walk you through this phase until you gain more clarity on what to do
#ListenUpNG In Africa, most of us believe that marriage in the true sense is not solely about the bride and the groom but about the union of both families. I will be addressing this #RealLifeIssue from this context as most of my clients asking this question are from Africa
#ListenUpNG Though the law of the nation where the couples reside clearly stipulates the age whereby the couple need not require the consent of their parents, this has little or no effect on the beliefs, culture and tradition of the land and the people.
#ListenUpNG For instance in Nigeria, it’s stipulated in the law that anyone above the age of 21 do not require parental consent before getting married. Likewise in some other African countries.
#ListenUpNG This law notwithstanding, you still get to see men and women of over 30 years of age that couldn’t go ahead with their planned wedding. The mere fact that either or both parents withheld their consent and blessings threw a spanner in the wedding plans
#ListenUpNG Though it’s generally agreed(most religious bodies subscribed to this) that Parents should be honoured and revered at all times, however the definition of the words, ‘honour’ and ‘reverance’ are now relative.
#ListenUpNG These definitions are subject to the society, custom and culture of where we live per time. What constitute ‘Honour and reverance of parents’ differ from tribe to tribe and culture to culture. This need to be well understood in the way we relate to one another.
#ListenUpNG Some young people have even begun to ask if ‘honouring and revering’ your parents applies even in the choice of your life partner. Do consider the following to know whether your parents reason (s) are valid or baseless.
#ListenUpNG Do you have a track record of making good decisions? I mean decisions you’ve taken in time past and which are known to your parents? Or are you known for making bad decisions that you’ve come to regret later on? Have they have to bail you out of so many tight corners because of your wrong decisions?
#ListenUpNG If the above scenarios are the order of the day in your life, your parents may be viewing your marriage choice as one of your foolish decisions.
#ListenUpNG Way forward, purpose to start making sound decisions henceforth. Be deliberate and be known for thinking things through before acting. Don’t be that impulsive guy or girl
#ListenUpNG You also need to think back and see if your parents have a track record of making good decisions and giving you right counsel at every crucial milestone in your life. This is not a time to be unduly sentimental. Think! Yes,I know you are in love but you need to look before you leap!
#ListenUpNG You are in a better position to know your parents dos and donts. You probably know the deal breakers too. The onus fall on you to ensure your intended put the right foot forward.
#ListenUpNG Ensure you properly prepare your partner and teach him/her what he/she must primarily know about your parents’ expectations (especially) when he/she is visiting them for the first time. If your parents’ consent are that important to you, you have to pay attention to this.
#ListenUpNG Learn how to greet them and how to correctly communicate with them with necessary courtesy if truly you desire their consent. Pay particular attention if your intended partner is from a tribe/culture other than yours. His or her efforts will surely win them over.
#ListenUpNG As i earlier stated, you know the deal breaker for your parents. If truly their consent are important to you, avoid giving too much information about your intended spouse to your parents before and after he/she meets them for the first time.
#ListenUpNG Give only necessary information about him/her. There have been cases that the parents learnt that the intended bride is 4 years older than the groom abd that was the end of it. In another case, knowing the intended groom was a widower was it for the bride’s parent.
#ListenUpNG This is where your maturity comes into play. Be careful of the kind of information you share about him or her. I’m not advocating for secrecy or deceit but the timing is crucial. Your presentation too is key.
#ListenUpNG If your parents or intended spouse’s parents refuse to give consent, make sure to humbly, wisely and patiently ask for their reason(s). Your attitude and reaction at this moment are critical. Are there some red flags you are oblivious to in your euphoria of wanting to get married?
#ListenUpNG Above all, never make any decision in haste or while you are confused. After all has been said and done, you may have to disobey and defy them if their reasons are ABSOLUTELY UNREASONABLE AND AGAINST EVERYTHING YOU’VE COME TO BELIEVE AS A PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY BALANCED ADULT.
#ListenUpNG The reasons in my last tweet differ from family to family and couple to couple. No one size fits all! To get more specific counsel tailored to your peculiar circumstance, do get in touch with the @me4counselling team via mail [email protected]
#ListenUpNG Inasmuch as parental consent and blessings are important, you and your spouse are ultimately responsible for your home. Parents and Guardians’ counsels though invaluable, are secondary at best. Whatever decision you have to make, has to be thoroughly thought through
#ListenUpNG With the @me4counselling team, you are sure to gain more clarity on what to do and how to move ahead and get your life back on track! We are willing and ready to talk and walk you through it! Send us a mail now! [email protected]
Join me for yet another thought provoking session next week Friday on #ListenUpNG. #DearBooNG #DearBooNG The situation is not as bad as it seems! Do have a fantastic weekend!
Me4 Counselling Team
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